A letter to my future child:
I want you to know that sometimes, no, most times, things do not feel certain. Life, rules, norms, statistics and figures change instantly and frequently. That is how it works. It is also completely chaotic. There is one thing though, that I want you to know; I will be your certainty.
Now I have no doubt that your father is an amazing man because I am marrying him this year. But this isn’t about me and daddy, this is about you.
I want you to always feel like you have a safe place to be to get away from the world when you need to. Everyone needs a place to go whether it is physically there, or only a memory. I hope to give you an environment to be overflowed with memories that you can turn to for the rest of your life.
I want you to know that it is possible to love if you put 100% into it. My marriage to your dad proves that. But be careful where you place that love. God and family are always a safe bet.
I want you to remember that your dad and I were in your shoes once. That’s the perk of being “old”. But before we were Mom and Dad, we had first names. We had pet names and life stories and goals and dreams. So before you go off thinking that you’re alone in any of your life experiences….comes to us. Even if we haven’t been through it, we are great listeners. Dad talks a lot….but not me of course.
I want you to know that you always have someone pulling for you. I am always cheering your name. I am rooting, singing and totally rocking your cheer session. Right or wrong, I am on your side. Even when you make the mistakes, big and small that will inevitably happen because well…DNA.
I want you to know that I want to protect you from ever feeling small. I never want you to wish you were invisible. I never want you to feel unsure or lost in your limits or supposed limits. But I also know that I can’t do that. Not realistically anyway. I can kiss scraped knees and chase monsters out from under the bed. I can pay traffic tickets and make homemade soup. I can also be with you in one phone call. So know that while I cannot protect you from everything, that doesn’t mean that I cannot show up to be there for you wherever you are in a moments notice just like my parents did for me….numerous times. It doesn’t matter if it is down the hall or across the world.
I want you to know that I am scared. As of right now in this moment, I am terrified of being a parent. The commitment alone is enough to make me cringe. I am selfish. I love sleep and eating what I want when I want. I am selfish with my time and money. I revel in my selfishness and share it with your dad and enjoy silence and doing what we want when we want. One day that will change. One day we will jump on the forever moving train of procreation and try not to die. But I need you to know that not once, not even for a second are you now nor will you ever be a disappointment.
I love you sweetheart. For longer than forever.
L aka Mom